I used to be a big sleeper. Going to bed somewhat early, sleeping late, naps whenever I could sneak them in. But somehow, in these past few weeks, I find my self enjoying very late nights and very early mornings. Somehow, when the light in my room is warm and the windows are dark, my brain comes alive with thoughts of the future and the past.
I know that I want to be someone. I don’t want to go through life without ever really changing and without exploring and experiencing. Doesn’t everyone think that though? I used to think about this a lot, just considering it an errant thought, but there is something in me that is convinced I will do this. There is something in me that wants to be scared and on the very edge of who I am.
As I sit in my cozy bed with a big cup of hazelnut coffee, reading blogs, saving inspiring photos, I think I realize that I want to be the person I’m seeing on the computer screen. The person taking those photos that young girls and boys save on their computers in a file called “Inspiration.”
And maybe that will never happen. It’s more possible that it won’t than it will. I guess mainly I just want to live a beautiful life. I want to take beautiful pictures, write beautiful words, create something meaningful for myself and maybe someone else. I don’t have to be a celebrity or have money – that isn’t really even what I want. I guess what I want is…to be my own inspiration. I want to be in my file that says inspiration, in a notebook with pressed flowers and polaroids.
I bolded the word “errant” above. Rereading what I had written, I decided to look the word up. Turns out, although I was thinking of it as a word meaning a wandering thought, it kind of sums up exactly what I am feeling.
1. erring or straying from the proper course or standards
2. traveling in search of adventure
So maybe my errant thought wasn’t really errant at all. Maybe I’m the errant one. Maybe errant is exactly what I want to be.