putting myself first

i’ve been struggling recently with my decision to end a friendship.  unfortunately, it was an unhealthy relationship and i have known for a while that it had to end.  more unfortunately, i handled it completely wrong.  i thought that i could be in a relationship with him, but then suddenly i knew that i couldn’t.  so i ended it quickly and abruptly.  he thinks i’m a bitch, naturally, and i definitely feel like one.  but i also know that this was the best decision for me.  i almost feel like it’s harder for me to make a decision with myself in mind…i feel selfish and mean.  and then, i saw the image below, and somehow i felt better about the decision i had made.  of course he is going to be mad at me and think that i did the wrong thing.  of course he is going to be heartbroken, and i would be too in this situation.  of course it feels like i led him on.  but i had to make this decision for me.  i had to think about myself.  i am so desperate to please people all the time and be the good person and not hurt anyones’ feelings that i usually end up hurting my own.  so here i am, putting myself first.  and it feels right.

i’m sorry, a, i really am.  i know you won’t read this and i know you don’t want me to speak to you ever again.  i’m sorry that i led you on and i hurt you.  but i can’t deal with this anymore.  i can’t be what you want me to be.  i tried to be, and i wanted to be, but i couldn’t and i can’t.  it’s too hard for me and my parents and my friends and i can’t be your only person anymore.  some things in life are supposed to be easy and are supposed to fall into place naturally.  this relationship would never be that way.  so i’m sorry that i had to make this decision.  i’m sorry that you hate me and think i’m a horrible person and that i took advantage of you.  i hope you can understand that that wasn’t my intention and i wish you could see it from my point of view. but most of all, i’m sorry.

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putting myself first

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