to the future, with the past

IMG_3202.JPGthe past few months have been tumultuous to say the least.  while life is truly amazing and i don’t have anything to complain about, i can’t help feeling a little bit lost and a lot bit stuck.  i don’t share too many details about my living and work situations on my blog, but maybe i should share more about myself with my lovely readers, since you are after all here to read my words.

i grew up coming to the east coast every summer for the whole summer since i was very very young.  this place has felt as much, if not more, like home to me as my real home in the midwest.  when i graduated college and came back to work another summer in this place, i didn’t expect to stay much longer after the summer ended.  but somehow i was able to get a job here that was pretty perfect at the time, and i was able to settle here for a little while.  part of the magic of this situation has been that i am able to live in my parents’ house, which makes my life very easy indeed.  and while this was great for the first few months, you might imagine that at 23 going on 24 living at home with my parents can be frustrating and somewhat degrading.  i hate to sound like an ingrate, when really i have loved being at home with my parents, but it’s just not what i want for myself at this time in my life.  i want to create a home for myself, rely on myself, take care of myself.  i want to do it for myself.

all of this being said, i have been at quite the turning point since probably august.  i’m ready to move on, but am having a hard time doing so.  partly because of my guilt for leaving my parents and for wanting more for myself, partly because i know that my boss will struggle when i leave, partly because i just don’t know what the fuck i want to do or where i want to be.  for most, this is kind of a dream situation.  i’m not committed to anyone or anything, and can do whatever i can dream of.  but for me, someone deeply devoted to my family and their expectations, i’m struggling more than a little bit.

how exactly do we decide what we want to do with our lives?  often we fall into something, and we either never leave or it shows us what else we would rather be doing.  for me, i know where i want to work, but i don’t know what i want to do.  i know what i want my home to look like, but i don’t know where that home is.  if i could run away to california and never look back, i absolutely 100% would, but i know that that is just not in the cards for me.

i guess what i’m saying is that i’m lost.  i’m sad and confused and excited and nervous.  i’m feeling all those growing pains that i felt when i was ready to go away to college but didn’t know where i was going to go or what i was going to study there.  but what i do know is this: i need to finish things up here, pack up my belongings, and hit the road.  and maybe i just need to see where that road will lead me, and take it from there.

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i had intended for this post to be another of my “monthly goals” series, but clearly we took a little turn here!  i really hope that i don’t sound whiny or annoying here, but it can be so helpful to just spill the contents of your mind and let it lie for at least a little bit.  if anyone has any advice for me, or for others that might be feeling the same way, please send it along.  it is so greatly appreciated.  and again, thank you for reading and supporting and following me along on this crazy little journey that i call my life.

>> my images, please credit if taking

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thoughts on: change

sitting here in my childhood bedroom, going through my things, packing up what i want, putting away what i can’t bear to look at.  thinking about old friendships, old crushes, all the finding yourself, the pain, the fun, the reality of growing up.

maybe it’s because my parents are thinking of selling this house.  maybe it’s because i’m realizing all the wonderful days i had and how much i miss the people, places, and things.  maybe it’s because, in a few days, my life will begin again.  i’m not sure exactly why, but the tears are prickling my eyes and i can’t seem to fall asleep, or i don’t want to.  i’m crying because i’m sad, but mostly because my life, my childhood was so wonderful and saying goodbye to it, even though it has been gradual, is painful.

i guess it’s just the sentimentality that comes with reminiscing.  but isn’t it nice to be sad?  to be sad because most of the memories are fond and i miss the days gone by?  things are wonderful now, yes, but sometimes it’s hard to look in the mirror and know you’re growing up, that you are grown up.  sometimes it’s hard to know that in the morning your mom won’t wake you up and tell you to get ready for school.  sometimes it’s hard to know that your life is changing, that your sisters live far away and have their own lives and relationships, that your parents are moving into another phase of their lives and are figuring out what they want to do and where they want to go.

change is hard.  change is always hard, even when it’s fun and exciting and for the best.  life is constantly moving, we are constantly growing and changing.  but it’s ok to be a little sad that your life tomorrow will never be the way it was the day before.

thoughts on: college graduation

i must admit that i never thought this day would come.  when you’re in grade school and high school, it always seems like there are so many more years of school ahead of you.  like you are never going to be free of tests and essays and assignments and pop quizzes.  and then suddenly, you’re moving into your freshman dorm room and you gain a lot of the freedom you were craving years before.  and just as suddenly, you’re moving out of your apartment and you’re walking up to the stage to get your diploma.

i have been incredibly blessed in my life.  to go to the college of my choosing and be able to have such an incredible time reminds me just how fortunate i am.  i would not change my college experiences for the world, even the times that were tough and scary and disappointing.  while i’m excited to start the rest of my life and leave homework and annoying teachers behind, i’m scared and i’m sad.  i still feel like a 17 year old, dying to get out of class to go for a drive or meet my friends at starbucks.  it seems these days only fly by faster than the ones before, but i’m ready for the challenge of the real world.  i’m ready to start my life and figure out just what that life is going to look like.  it’s going to be hard, but i think i just might be prepared.  (she says as she asks her dad for $10 for a bag of coffee!)

congratulations to all you 2015 grads!