lovers & drifters

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receiving the day

sometimes the world is scary.  sometimes our anxieties take over our minds and we can’t see, or function, or breathe.  sometimes a perfectly great day is gone in an instant, as soon as that trigger is pulled.  for me, it’s germs.  contamination.  that feeling of being dirty.  for others it could be people.  being touched.  eating too much.  not doing a ritual.

to get control of anxiety does not mean it is gone for good.  it will show up at the worst of times, because it is a bitch and it wants to ruin your life.  i’m having a wonderful day.  i woke up early just after sunrise.  i went to yoga.  i took a hot shower.  and then…then.  now i’m scared.  now i’m tired.  now i’m angry.

but i will not let my anxiety define me.  i will not let it ruin this perfectly wonderful day.  i will not cross that line.  i will recognize my triggers, my fears, and my stresses.  i will continue to face them, and i will continue to do my best to eradicate them as much as possible.  there will be other good days and other bad days.  today is just another day in the many years that i have battled my anxiety, and maybe it is just that simple.

something my yoga instructor said today during shavasana really struck me.  she said, “put your palms up towards the sky.  receive the day with an open and generous heart.”  i will try to receive each day with an open and generous heart.  i will try to receive myself with an open and generous heart.  i will try to accept and love myself for all that i am and all that i am not.