january 2, 2018

sometimes only coming home has the power to heal all our wounds.

when i left my apartment on december 14, 2017, my heart was raw and my eyes swollen from the previous night’s tears.  ending relationships is always hard, but ending one that you weren’t even able to fully begin is harder.

through three weeks with my two sisters, two parents, two brothers-in-law, and one baby niece, my empty heart has healed.  not completely, but enough.  i have laughed until i cried, danced around the kitchen, and escaped to my air mattress for naps and brief moments of peace.  i have come back to life.  i have moved from feeling my emotions so palpably to pushing them to the back of my mind for later contemplation.  they are still there, but more silenced than i was capable of achieving on my own.

coming home for the holidays is never easy once you’ve grown up and moved away, but there are so many reasons to return: being near the people that continue to raise and teach you, silly but timeless traditions, and spending time in your jammies sitting on the living room floor.

i hope your holidays provided you with peace, comfort, and wisdom, in whatever way you needed.

. . .

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january 2, 2018

resolutions for my 25th year

my birthday, fortunately and unfortunately, is in the first week of the new year.  while i always come up with new year’s resolutions – and pretty immediately disregard them – this year i’m making resolutions for my new year.  life is pretty hectic and full of change these days, so with these resolutions i’m really looking to ground myself, stick to my routines, and work hard to keep working hard.bb resolutions.JPG// be kind and gentle to myself // truth be told i am absolutely horrible at this, as most of us are.  i think i’ve mentioned this before, but there’s a line that lena dunham mentions at the end of the first season of girls, along the lines of “you could never hate me more than i hate myself, or say worse things than i say to myself.”  and i feel this.  too much.  as humans we are our own harshest critics, but if i can’t treat myself kindly and with gentleness and love, how can i expect others to?  this is a concept that i’ve been working on for years after my sweet therapist flat out told me to do so in those exact words.  i will keep trying, because i deserve it.

// weekend workouts // i’m sorry to mention a workout resolution, but it’s needed!  starting january 8th, i am student teaching full time, 5 days a week.  so with the 8+ hour school day and my 2+ hour commute, i know there is no way i will be working out through the week.  so weekends are my goal.  and that’s just two days – even i can manage that!  i’m desperate to get back into my yoga practice and even running.  i go in and out with my workout habits but i am actually looking forward to taking care of myself in this way again.  are you sensing a theme here?

// become a more experimental cook // or a cook at all!  i’m so bad with meal planning and prep, but i really really want to get better at it.  i’m going to try to be more forward-thinking when i go to the grocery store and have some go-to meals that i can make without too much effort.  actually, i make a great work lunch, but it’s the dinners that i struggle with.  it’s a serious problem when cereal is your favorite food!

// produce less waste // this is a really important one for me.  i’m good about carrying a water bottle and coffee thermos (this is the best one i’ve found) with me all the time, but i have other goals for my waste production.  some of them include: stop using cotton pads in my skincare routine (i’ve been using my hands for my witch hazel but still use cotton for makeup removal), using rags for cleaning instead of paper towels, using more reusable containers for work lunches (i’m looking at purchasing some lunchbots stainless containers), and making use of the bulk section at my grocery store and health food store.  i think these are super easy changes and i am looking forward to making them – now that’s the mark of a good resolution!

// be ok when i slip up // i say this in regards to these resolutions and so many other areas of my life.  like i said earlier, i can be so hard on myself, and as i am entering student teaching i already fear the daily mistakes i am going to make.  i am going to try my darnedest to accept my failures and respond to them accordingly, without getting upset or looking down on myself.  this is probably the hardest resolution i am going to work on, but it’s an important one.

do you have any resolutions for your new year?  happy happy and fresh starts to all!

. . .

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resolutions for my 25th year

a note to my neighbor

i don’t like you.

i don’t like that i have to listen to you have sex at bizarre hours (6 am?!).  i don’t like that i have to listen to your music thumping.  i don’t like that i have to walk by your gross trash and the stains outside your door.  i don’t like that whatever you cook makes my bathroom smell.

i don’t like that i have to listen to you at all moments of the day and night.  i don’t like that you started banging on the wall when i tried to hammer a nail for 1 minute at 8:45 pm.  1 minute at a reasonable hour on a wall that we don’t share.  how do you have the nerve?

i don’t like that you are inconsiderate.  i don’t like that i am patient and never make my annoyance known.  i don’t like that you have no patience of your own.  i don’t like that you live next to me.  i hope you move far, far away.

i don’t like you.

– well that was a good venting session.  have a great weekend, bohemians!

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a note to my neighbor

the baby bohemian approach to feeling better

you might be sensing a bit of a theme here on baby bohemian these days – your girl is feeling low.  like i said in this post, it’s just something that happens to me from time to time and i’m pretty good at self-soothing and letting myself revel in and then break free of the funk.  besides lounging around and binging on books/movies/tv/youtube videos, i also find it extremely helpful to get out and get active.  so here’s a real life account of how i made myself feel better last weekend.  side note, all of my friends happened to be busy or away this particular weekend, so that’s why it was a very solitary one.  usually i recommend dinner and/or drinks with friends; that almost always cheers me right up.Screen Shot 2017-09-08 at 10.13.50 AM.png1 // work up a sweat.  i can hear my mother now: you know you always feel better after you work out!  eye rolls aside, this advice is absolutely true.  even though i don’t always feel like endorphins work on me (anyone else feel worse about yourself after working out?!), when i’m feeling sad this really is the best pick me up.  going to yoga class, running outside, or going to the gym is a quick fix that gets me dressed, out of the house, and moving my tush.  plus i consider sweating basically a good cry for the body, and sometimes that’s exactly what you need.

2 // explore your neighborhood.  taking pictures is one of my favorite hobbies.  many years ago i invested in a ridiculously expensive camera (i clearly thought i was going to be the next diane arbus but i don’t have to tell you how that turned out) and i make an effort to use it whenever i can.  i have considered selling it many times, but it’s just one of those things that’s nice to have once you have it.  last weekend i walked around my sweet college town, just taking pictures of flowers and houses and anything else that caught my eye.  it’s such an easy activity and don’t feel like you need a big ass camera to do it.  i usually have a disposable camera hanging around and quite honestly those usually end up being my favorite pictures anyway.  you can even fit in the aforementioned exercise at the same time!  bb bloomington1.jpgbb bloomington4.jpgbb bloomington6.jpgbb bloomington2.jpgbb bloomington3.jpgbb bloomington5.jpg3 // find a street fair or farmer’s market.  this is a harder one, but now that fall is coming i bet it will be easier than you think.  i attended both my weekly farmer’s market and a labor day street fair last weekend and both lifted my spirits tremendously.  i got a gorgeous bouquet of end of summer/fall flowers and two bulbs of fresh garlic at the farmer’s market, along with a farmer’s market tote that is huge and perfect for grocery shopping.  i popped the flowers in a mason jar and they have already lifted my spirits and had a couple recipes that i wanted to attempt last week, so the garlic is being put to good use!  i also stumbled upon a labor day street/art fair in my town this weekend.  there were probably 50 artisan booths from all over the country.  i picked up a gorgeous handmade mug with the most stunning colors – the artisan is from maine and told me he mixes all of his colors by hand.  i am a huge mug collector and i couldn’t resist this beauty.  sometimes all you need is to make your morning coffee that little bit more special.  bb instagram1.JPGbb sunny mug.jpg4 // get ready for the week.  sometimes it’s as simple as getting ready for the days ahead.  i was babysitting my sisters dog last week so i wasn’t been at my own home very much, but when i was i made the most of my time.  from cleaning and organizing to laundry and dishes, i made my space clean and fresh for the coming week.  i also did some meal planning (new for me, sadly!!) and completed a very thorough grocery shop.  trust me, preparing your space, clothes, and fridge will clear your mind and make you feel more organized and ready to start a new week.

5 // prep blog posts.  now you might not have a blog, but any kind of creative project will do here.  writing posts and taking pictures is one of the greatest creative joys i have, so it’s (usually) relaxing to spend time doing so.  it can be stressful and sometimes sets me off on the wrong path, but typically i can relish in the creativity even if i’m not feeling as inspired as a i’d like to be.  even spending time on pinterest can give me the motivation to make a collage or set up a flat lay, and creativity just can’t be discounted in my opinion.  bb instagram2.JPG

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the baby bohemian approach to feeling better

the mean reds, again

sometimes blue just doesn’t cut it.  perhaps one of my favorite parts of breakfast at tiffany’s, both the book and the movie, is holly’s spot-on description of the mean reds.  not quite the blues, not quite anxiety, but something more…

the mean reds are described two ways.  in the movie: “the blues are because you’re getting fat and maybe it’s been raining too long, you’re just sad that’s all.  the mean reds are horrible.  suddenly you’re afraid and you don’t know what you’re afraid of.”

in the book: “but, doc, i’m not fourteen anymore, and i’m not lulamae.  but the terrible part is…i am.  i’m still stealing turkey eggs and running through a briar patch.  only now i call it having the mean reds.”bb mean reds.jpgi love truman capote so much perhaps because of this idea.  this wholly accurate feeling that i could never before put words to.  he encapsulates this feeling not just in the idea of the mean reds, but in holly herself.  the feeling of spinning out of control, of feeling so far away from who you are but not really being that far at all.  of searching and ignoring and looking for someone, anything to take the pain away.

of course i could tell you the clinical reasons for why i feel so scared and alone sometimes, but it’s more than that.  it’s more than the descriptions on the doctor’s note…it’s the real cutting emotion that goes on inside my head, my heart, my soul.  it’s that feeling of needing to cry for no apparent reason, of feeling so alone even in a room full of people you love.  the sadness that only a long nap and a cup of tea can seem to help, but never cure.

i guess what i’m saying is that i accept this sadness that creeps up on me from time to time.  i know how to handle it, make myself cozy and comforted, take it easy, and then wake up the next day feeling bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.  but sometimes it’s hard to see the end, the light, the next day.  it’s hard to feel so sad and scared.  and when that happens, like it did today, i think about holly and truman and moon river.  i light a candle, put on frank sinatra, and let myself cry.

///

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the mean reds, again

be the contradiction.

it is right to be a contradiction.  to have the loftiest of goals and the furthest of pipe dreams.  we are not made to live inside a pigeon hole, to only like certain things and never stray from our upbringing or what is expected of us.  it is ok to like white walls with mismatched rugs even though you were raised in a dark home with french antiques.  we are living, walking, breathing collections of everything we have ever seen, everyone we have ever known, every land we have ever traveled.

i will not be brought down by the expectations of others.  i will not be flouted by what you think of me.  i will continue to be me, and free, and happy, and dreaming.  i will do what i want today and change my mind tomorrow.  you will not take any part of me, because you don’t deserve it.  and if you did, you wouldn’t judge or lie or challenge.  you would support my soul in any shape it decides to fly.

so this is goodbye to you, and hello to me.

be the contradiction.

loving craving wishing waiting // 1.16.17

IMG_4473.jpg
loving . . .

my skincare routine

my humidifier

citizens of humanity liya jeans (on sale at shopbop!)

a gentleman in moscow

truman capote selected writings

craving . . .

a long swim in the ocean

freckles

chinese food

a good show that is kind of scary but not too much

wishing . . .

for warmer days

for winter to go quickly

to find my dream job

to get a response to my job applications

for someone to notice me and say hey you are amazing i want to hire you!

waiting . . .

for my boss to send me my last paycheck

for a sunny day to take blog photos

for the next step…

. . .

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loving craving wishing waiting // 1.16.17