there’s so much more to say

please come back. ¬†please don’t let this be the end. ¬†please tell me you’re just on another adventure. ¬†you said you would kiss me in august. ¬†won’t you keep that promise?

you beautiful, tortured soul. ¬†don’t let this be the end. ¬†you were happy when i saw you only one month ago. ¬†you were eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and chopping wood and teaching kids how to play chess at the atheneum. ¬†you were their hero. ¬†you were happy with your medication, with your situation. ¬†we talked about living on the golf course and being old decrepit teachers. ¬†we were going to go to australia and live in new york. ¬†there were lies and deceptions, but i don’t blame you or myself. ¬†i think deep down we were honest with each other, even if people told us otherwise.

you called me lulu bean and held my hand.  we sat together, worlds apart from anyone else and that was good.  we locked your door and turned on the air conditioning and pretended to sleep.  maybe.

i saw you in a tee shirt only once. ¬†you were at the green and put your arms on the register to reach out to me. ¬†i saw all those horizontal lines, pale white, moving up your arms like the words that you were never able to speak. ¬†i wasn’t surprised. ¬†it made me love you. ¬†more and more. ¬†i got butterflies when i went to see you. ¬†i felt guilty when i left. ¬†i knew it was wrong, that i would get in trouble, but i couldn’t stay away. ¬†not from you.

i miss your khakis and your button downs, the creases in your cheeks. ¬†those blue eyes and that black hair. ¬†it had finally grown back out. ¬†the last words we spoke to each other were “i love you.” ¬†and i love you. ¬†i’ll still kiss you in august.

there’s so much more to say

sunday musings & the role of the artist

“perhaps the primary distinction of the artist is that he must actively cultivate that state which most men, necessarily, must avoid; the state of being alone. ¬†that all men are, when the chips are down, alone, is a banality – a banality because it is very frequently stated but very rarely, on the evidence, believed. ¬†most of us are not compelled to linger with the knowledge of our aloneness, for it is a knowledge that can paralyze all action in this world. ¬†there are, forever, swamps to be drained, cities to be created, mines to be exploited, children to be fed. ¬†none of these things can be done alone. ¬†but the conquest of the physical world is not man’s only duty. ¬†he is also enjoined to conquer the great wilderness of himself. the precise role of the artist, then, is to illuminate that darkness, blaze roads through that vast forest, so that we will not, in all our doing, lose sight of its purpose, which is, after all, to make the world a more human dwelling place.”

james baldwin, the creative process

. . . 

i came across this passage when studying for a recent exam, and it touched my very soul. ¬†now i am not inferring that i am an artist in any way, shape, or form, but baldwin’s words speak to me. ¬†i get what he is saying. ¬†i feel what he is saying. ¬†i am blessed to live in a home virtually surrounded by beautiful art and to have visited famous museums throughout the world. ¬†art is an incredible thing to me. ¬†the idea that so infrequently we are touched by a certain genius, and the physical manifestation of that genius. ¬†and then there is that other side to the genius, the side that is almost always unstable, alone, dark. ¬†this is not true for all artists, of course, but often these incredible individuals struggle with a madness that, in the end, allows them to produce such unspeakable beauties. ¬†and baldwin puts this into words in a way that i could never imagine – in showing that the artist manifests his own darkness and, perhaps unintentionally,¬†brightens the world not for himself, but for others.

follow me: instagram // pinterest // bloglovin’

sunday musings & the role of the artist

in the moment

IMG_6706.JPGfor a few minutes this morning, i sat outside.  i made my coffee, and when i went to let the dogs out for the eighth time, i went with them.  i felt the cold salt air perking up my senses, i watched a lone seagull make figure eights in the grey sky, and i listened to the icy waves crashing half a mile away.  i took a single picture of the sky.

i tried not to think about work or my bank account or moving. ¬†and i succeeded, for the most part. ¬†i didn’t check instagram or emails or youtube. ¬†i just sat. ¬†i sipped my coffee, i cuddled the dogs, and i just sat there, in the moment, for a little while.

good morning, everyone.

in the moment

to the future, with the past

IMG_3202.JPGthe past few months have been tumultuous to say the least.¬† while life is truly amazing and i don’t have anything to complain about, i can’t help feeling a little bit lost and a lot bit stuck.¬† i don’t share too many details about my living and work situations on my blog, but maybe i should share more about myself with my lovely readers, since you are after all here to read my words.

i grew up coming to the east coast every summer for the whole summer since i was very very young.¬† this place has felt as much, if not more, like home to me as¬†my real home in the midwest.¬† when i graduated college and came back to work another summer in this place, i didn’t expect to stay much longer after the summer ended.¬† but somehow i was able to get a job here that was pretty perfect at the time, and i was able to settle here for a little while.¬† part of the magic of this situation has been that i am able to live in my parents’ house, which makes my life very easy indeed.¬† and while this was great for the first few months, you might imagine that at 23 going on 24 living at home with my parents can be frustrating and somewhat degrading.¬† i hate to sound like an ingrate, when really i have loved being at home with my parents, but it’s just not what i want for myself at this time in my life.¬† i want to create a home for myself, rely on myself, take care of myself.¬† i want to do it for myself.

all of this being said, i have been at quite the turning point since probably august.¬† i’m ready to move on, but am having a hard time doing so.¬† partly because of my guilt for leaving my parents and for wanting more for myself, partly because i know that my boss will struggle when i leave, partly because i just don’t know what the fuck i want to do or where i want to be.¬† for most, this is kind of a dream situation.¬† i’m not committed to anyone or anything, and can do whatever i can dream of.¬† but for me, someone deeply devoted to my family and their expectations, i’m struggling more than a little bit.

how exactly do we decide what we want to do with our lives?¬† often we fall into something, and we either never leave or it shows us what else we would rather be doing.¬† for me, i know where i want to work, but i don’t know what i want to do.¬† i know what i want my home to look like, but i don’t know where that home is.¬† if i could run away to california and never look back, i absolutely 100% would, but i know that that is just not in the cards for me.

i guess what i’m saying is that i’m lost.¬† i’m sad and confused and excited and nervous.¬† i’m feeling all those growing pains that i felt when i was ready to go away to college but didn’t know where i was going to go or what i was going to study there.¬† but what i do know is this: i need to finish things up here, pack up my belongings, and hit the road.¬† and maybe i just need to see where that road will lead me, and take it from there.

P1050989.jpgIMG_3146.JPG///

i had intended for this post to be another of my “monthly goals” series, but clearly we took a little turn here!¬† i really hope that i don’t sound whiny or annoying here, but it can be so helpful to just spill the contents of your mind and let it lie for at least a little bit.¬† if anyone has any advice for me, or for others that might be feeling the same way, please send it along.¬† it is so greatly appreciated.¬† and again, thank you for reading and supporting and following me along on this crazy little journey that i call my life.

>> my images, please credit if taking

to the future, with the past

lesson learned

today i was reminded of perhaps the most important lesson in life: we will never, ever know what someone else is going through, or the effect it has on their interactions with others.

when i was 18 and in my first year of college, i babysat for a 5-year-old with considerably older parents. ¬†the child was spoiled and irate, and i could not manage her. ¬†the last time i saw this family was a particularly brutal day. ¬†i was meant to take her to go swimming, but there was confusion as to where they were picking me up. ¬†when her father arrived at my dorm, he was irritated and displeased, and the child was crabby. ¬†it was a hot day and there was a ridiculous amount of traffic. ¬†the daughter¬†became angry¬†when i sat in the front seat of the car (i quickly moved to the back to sit with her instead) and from there she was off. ¬†she was screaming at me when we arrived at the pool, where her father promptly drove away. ¬†she wouldn’t speak to me or eat, and i was horrified. ¬†i cried in the lobby trying to get advice from my own family, but no one could help. ¬†we took a $40 cab ride back to her house where her neighbor came over and helped me, after which i slumped on the couch and messed up the tv. ¬†when her parents arrived home, the house was dark and i was done with them.

today, i ran into the mother.  she remembered me immediately, as well as the events of that day.  honestly i was horrified, feebly reminding her of how young i was, but she remembered the day differently: she apologized for never getting back in touch with me and the stress of that day, informing me that that was the day her husband was diagnosed with cancer.  he passed away a year later.  she told me how much she liked me and wished me well before taking her seat by the pool.

this encounter has really shaken me. ¬†i remember that day so clearly, and have thought of it often over the years. ¬†i could never understand these people as parents, how they didn’t control their child and left me to do a 5-year old’s¬†bidding. ¬†i cringe every time i think of that day, starting with me meeting them at the wrong place and ending with me breaking their tv (it got stuck on real housewives of somewhere at a very loud volume, naturally). ¬†i realize now how much was going on for them on that day, and even now, 5 years later.

i apologize for thinking so ill of them and for not being aware of their struggle.  i am reminded that we never know what is going on with others, that there is so much we will never know of, even in the people we are closest to.  i am reminded of how lucky i am and even how much i learned from this family, in our brief and chaotic time together.  i am saddened by this news and saddened by my behavior.  and honestly, i just feel a little lost for words.

lesson learned

resoluting

no, that is not a word. ¬†as you might recall, i whipped up some may and june resolutions the past two months, and i was pretty good about following through. ¬†it’s actually making a ¬†difference for me to write down my goals and pay attention to them throughout the month. ¬†that being said, i completely forgot to do this for the beginning of july, but here are my resolutions for the rest of the month:

be better about yoga // i’m so upset to say that i really failed at attending yoga classes the better part of june. ¬†with my work schedule and the studio schedule, it just wasn’t working out. ¬†but i miss it so so much. ¬†i’m going to try to fit in classes whenever i can, even if that means waking up at an ungodly hour or leaving work a few minutes early at the end of the day

focus on the blog // i feel like i have been slacking lately in the blog department. ¬†i like to have a mix of my roundup posts – images from the internet that are inspiring me – and my own content. ¬†as is my excuse for just about everything these days, it’s hard because of the amount of time and energy i spend at work, but i miss working really hard on my creative outlet and am determined to get back to it

enjoy where i am right now // since i’m living at home and most of my family is here at the moment, it is too easy for me to feel frustrated and claustrophobic. ¬†but i hate that frustration and hate myself when it comes out. ¬†i love my family and i love being with them, and i need to enjoy my time with them, even if they are frustrating and i feel like i don’t have enough personal space

listen to yourself // i need to stop feeling guilty for who i am and what i want.  i need to stop listening to the opinions around me when i know they are false.  i need to focus on myself, my body, my mind, what i want, what i need, and be true to myself.  and be kind to myself.

resoluting

another month of madness

and so begins another month! ¬†insert typical “i can’t believe it’s already this month” comment. ¬†but seriously, i can’t believe it’s already june! ¬†bring it on, summer. ¬†as i did for may, i thought i would jot down a couple of my resolutions for the upcoming month. ¬†and as far as may goes, i think i succeeded in accomplishing those goals. ¬†except for the have more fun part…may was kind of a doozy and not very much fun was had.

be nicer to myself // i am really hard on myself. ¬†period. ¬†i am constantly trying to remember to be¬†nice and gentle to myself but, let’s be honest, it’s really hard. ¬†i need to remember that other peoples’ judgments of me are not necessarily accurate, and that i have to be my own biggest advocate. ¬†i know who i am, i know that i am a good person, and i have to support myself.

stay out of the drama //¬†i live in a very small community, and all of my friends work, live, and play in the same place. ¬†i’m working elsewhere now so i already have that space, but it’s really easy to get caught up in the drama. ¬†i like to think i’m not a dramatic person, so i need to stay true to that and just mind my own business. ¬†i no longer want to be part of the he said-she said. ¬†it never ends well and i really get bogged down with everybody’s issues and opinions on¬†each other.

be more positive about work // i’ve been relatively disillusioned with my work this past month, so for june i really want to get out of that negative cycle. ¬†of course i am not 100% happy with my job, but who is?! ¬†if you are, please tell me your secret. ¬†for the foreseeable future, this is where i’m going to be working every day so i need to get rid of the bad attitude and work my tushie off.

continue with yoga // i mentioned this in my may resolutions as well, and i really followed through. ¬†i am loving attending classes so i hope that as work gets busier i am still committed to going as much as i can. ¬†it’s easy to feel tired after work and just want to go home and relax, but i always feel better when i’ve gone to class.

i think june is going to be a good month. ¬†no, scratch that. ¬†i’m going to make june a good month. ¬†and i hope that you do the same. ¬†none of that june gloom business for us!

another month of madness